You’ve got to be joking…

Like you did with your first girlfriend I guess we made a lot of promises about size, shape, and satisfaction. Unlike your first girlfriend we want to make sure everyone walks away satisfied and with a slight limp. Read below for our return and exchange policy.

Returns

Like your mom wishes your dad had done, you can pull out of this transaction under certain circumstances within 30 days.

Size

Not as majestic as you hoped it was going to be and you’re looking for an an enhancement? Contact Alice and she’ll charge you the difference for the enhancement. After this procedure is complete ship the original unharmed dong back to us and we will send it to someone who doesn’t have to compensate for their teeny winky by buying giant metal dongs off the internet. Next time just get a shitty lift for your beat ass Silverado like all the other dudes named Derik, don’t expect us to make you feel better about yourself.

Color

No refunds on color. Just because it wasn’t the right contrast and didn’t scratch the fetishy twitch you’ve developed because you’ve spent far too much time in a certain category on the hub doesn’t make it our problem. Still want someone to justify your weird obsession of high melanin counts then email Alice but you better make it funny or she’s not gonna approve shit. Make it funny enough maybe we’ll even put it up on the socials and send you a free dong.

Condition

No used dongs.

Shipping

Our dongs like the dad who didn’t love you are made of steel and not cheap to just ship around the world all willy nilly. If we promised every indecisive asshat free shipping pretty soon we’d have a room full of well traveled dongs and not enough money to keep buying Alice her weekly carton of menthol ciggys. You pay return shipping.

You Still Want to Piss and Moan

Oh for fucks sake you’re still here… if you still want to piss and moan to someone use the form below and we will likely print it out and get a great laugh around the warehouse. Seriously we might even mention it to your mom when she drops by this week because she’s certainly had enough of your shit but the crew in the dong warehouse seems to never get enough of her thirsty ass.